i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.