i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season