I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
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