I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
