Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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