I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
