Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
