So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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