I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
