i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
