I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
