She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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