Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
