Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
