I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
