Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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