at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
