there's paper in my vomit.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We left an ass print on the piano.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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