You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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