Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
