Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
oh god was she eating orange peels again
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
