My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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