then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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