tell your sister to shave her snatch
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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