Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
