I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
It's Friday. Sex?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
