sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
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2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
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Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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