are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
