I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
