At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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