We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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