This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
