We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
and she was petting her beer can
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
