apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
