If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Are these your boobs on my camera?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
