i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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