Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
