He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I could fuck to npr.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
