She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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