I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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