Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
They have beer where we have blood.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
