I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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