You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
