I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
