So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
