He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
