it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
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I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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