Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
