We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
