I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
