I am spending my child support on dildos
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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