My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
