is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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