YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
