filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize