I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He? As in you personified your dick?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
