Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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