I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You made out with two different species that night
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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