just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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