i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
