Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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