Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
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Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
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I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.