If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
