I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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