She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
