Umm I'm too high to move.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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